27. January 2010 12:42
In a shock statement yesterday Mickey Arthur announced his resignation as South Africa coach citing a difference of opinion over the future of the team. It then emerged that the entire selection panel had been sacked and all this only days before South Africa leave for their tour of India. Speculation abounded over the reasons behind the shock move with the focus on Arthur's brutal coaching methods. As previously revealed exclusively on Test Match Sofa Arthur has been known to whip, beat and physically abuse underperforming players. Today Arthur released the following statement:
"It is with great sadness that I have announced my resignation as coach of the Proteas. Despite the proven success of my coaching methods the spineless pencil pushers at Cricket South Africa have queried my approach. People ask me why I whipped Paul Harris with a belt everytime he took fewer than 5 wickets but I want to know how else could I have motivated a bowler that bad to take even a paltry 79 test wickets in 3 years. The same people who presided over Hansie's match fixing have the audacity to wonder why I pounded AB's toes with the toe of a bat everytime he got stumped and shouted "NOT SO TWINKLED TOED NOW, EH?". I gave five years service to South Africa and made them the best cricket team in the world and they want to talk to me about methods? I'm proud of what I achieved with Graeme [Smith, South African captain] and hope that he can keep the boys motivated in India. To that end I saw him yesterday, gave him my favourite belt and wished him all the best."
Cricket South Africa have insisted that they knew nothing of Arthur's methods until an inside source within the team came forward. We here at The Sofa sympathise with Arthur's desire to beat the shit of the South African team and feel he has been somewhat hard done by.